On walking alone

Things I want to say to my dad right now:

Daddy I'm tired of waiting for money from you. I know you're having a hard time with supporting both of us, but please, do it right.

Things I have to say to Micah later this evening:

Thank you for being extremely honest about your feelings about me. It took guts, and I need a wake up call once in a while. But let me explain myself as well.

First, you complain about my being a difficult boss--how I judge your worth as a person based on what you contribute to the paper. I am a person with extremely high standards, and I expect all of my editors to live up to it. I know that sometimes my eyes just flash when I am dissatisfied at what you think is your best output. I get annoyed and I snap. But you never explained to me why you think what I scrapped was still credible. I never realized that I only talk to you in terms of your responsibilities to the Weekly. But if I did, then I'm sorry. I do try to compensate for that by some text messages or greetings. But I am a person who separates work life from fun life, which in retrospect might be the wrong thing to do since we work in a student paper. But that is who I am. I will try to change that because of what you pointed out, but when I did that to you before, it wasn't personal. That's just the way I work.

Second, I do work you guys like robots. But you never called me on it until now, when you have already reached your boiling point. I would like to take note of the fact that you said I wasn't the type of person you wouldn't invite to a party. Well, you wouldn't be on my list too. You accuse me of not being friends with you, but you are not that approachable Micah. You do not make any effort to establish some semblance of a relationship with me aside from Weekly and you take that to heart? How dare you. I cannot relate with you when it comes to your Christianity. And you keep things to yourself. I barely see you in the office. And now you're wounded? I will not force myself to be friends with anyone. And I do not inspire because I can't. I don't know how to.

Third, you seem to have taken a personal grudge on my mentioning that there should be no Christian articles in the magazine. That was in the first semester. First. That was long ago and I already said sorry for it. I snapped. I think not going to church is cool. Sue me. When I said you guys shouldn't even ask me why I don't go to church, you still took that personally. What does my Christianity have anything to do with Weekly work? Does it bother you to work for a non-believer? That's unprofessional. I don't know what work you'll end up doing in the future but good luck with that. I used to believe that we work for Weekly because we were working for something bigger than ourselves. I didn't tell you why because it was a personal choice. Do you want me to name all the reasons why I think I shouldn't believe in God?? Screw you. I don't even know myself and if I did, why should I admit that to you? We're not friends remember?

I am getting hostile because I hate losing faith and enthusiasm for something I enjoy doing all because of one person who cannot get over himself for the better good. Okay, I admit I have some issues when it comes to working. But that is work. How can you achieve having the best Weekly in years when you do not work?

Maybe since you're a leader yourself, you think we have different approaches and I'm doing the wrong one. Okay I have learned my lesson, and I will consciously make an effort to change (although I doubt the fun part because I have never been fun). But you do your part too. You cannot expect something or someone to change without exerting effort yourself. You want to be friends? Well what the fuck were you doing just sitting there? Waiting for me to chat you up about.. what? God? Philosophy? I don't care about both. Friends are supposed to have a common thread, and we have Weekly. We had Weekly.

I don't know about you Micah but since I learned something from all of these (I promise to become a better person, and I will) you should change too. You talk about leaders touching hearts instead of hands, but you don't consider that I am human as well. You are too wrapped up in your analyses about God and life and whatever else there is to realize that people are just what they are sometimes. And if you have problems with me, you never told me. How the hell was I supposed to know you were unhappy? Through ESP?

I didn't like working with you as well. If you blasted my working style, let me blast yours. I have never seen a haphazard way of organizing people, of planning a page, of editing a magazine. You let things be. You will never get anything done. Philosophize your way out there with Mattie. I don't care because I can't work with you anymore and I will be hostile. I'm sorry I tried to lower myself to your level and lower my pride. But fuck you man. I have problems of my own to worry about.

*Just had to get this off my chest before facing Micah. We're actually doing way better now.