closure

It’s 3am and it’s finals week. Surprise, surprise. I was going to continue laboring over my Economics notes when I saw my journal. I haven’t written anything in it since summer, and I just started reading.

Here are some things that made me stay up this late. I just want to put it out to the world in hopes that something good will happen to me in the next few days.

Here goes.

There’s something inside me that’s bothering me. I can’t sleep. It’s heavy and dark and alone. If I try to close my eyes, I want to cry. I could feel the tears inside but I don’t want to let it out. There are people still awake.
I’ve thought about Edu for the past months more than I’d care to admit. I think about him in the middle of an exam like how his lashes are so long or how he smiles or how he kisses. This is the closest I ever got to falling in love since Jayson. This was different from all my other “friends” because I had feelings. In the words of Verna, “natamaan” ako. It was my first time after four years.

Admittedly, I am naïve. But I actually think he was sincere. That one week when we were together everyday was one of the happiest I’ve had in a long time. I was smiling so often; I giggled. I was happy.

Then I found out about the drugs. Then the four-year old son. Then the rehab.

How much more could I take? But you know what? I was actually prepared to accept everything. Everything. It was my challenge. I even told my mom, asking for advice. For the first time in my life.

I ended up taking the safest and “good” choice. It’s over.

I will miss him but this is for the best.

This is for the best.

This is for the best.

Ako’y malungkot na naman
Amoy chiko na ako
Ilang tagay na hindi pa rin hubog
Tanong ko sa langit
Kung bakit
Ang dating masaya
Ngayo’y panay problemang
Bumabalot sa buto
Bakit ganito ang pag-ibig
Ganyan talaga
Ang dagok ng pag-pagibig
Ganyan talaga
Masaya.
That song kept me company when I was first brooding over Edu. So I remember it well. Know that saying “Everywhere I look, I see your face”? I think that’s what’s happening to me.

But since it’s over anyway, I’d just like to pud down into writing some things I remember from our summer.

Payag, graduation, 5am

Beach in Sibulan with people I didn’t know, one shot, beat-up car with extremely huge speakers, City Burger

Scratched shades, Oliver’s house for tattoo session, Cadbury’s, Marilyn Manson, tribal turtles, designs and diverting attention, surfboard keychain, both wearing yellow tops on a yellow motorcycle, and those great lashes

Big bag of Doritos on one Larena afternoon

Polsci classes with Verna, “you look so good together”, yellow pickup by Nursing, happy

Roses at Larena, Angel’s text

Meeting his driver, short skirt

Extremely long phone calls while he was shopping in Cebu with his sis

Phone calls at tWS office

Easter Sunday, his uncle’s beachhouse in Bacong, pictures, “road trip”, bamboo set, yellow racerback and green torn top, bamboo beds in the open, lying down and facing the water, kiss on the forehead as if it was the most natural thing in the world—it was, kisses, hands, more kisses. Easter Sunday.

Hayahay, first reggae night, Mara’s last night in Dumaguete, yellow pick-up, Easter “Mich, bagay mo”, Krisha’s Amigo apartment, sleeping out with no permission, Silliman beach, hugs, moonlit walk, holding hands, 4am

One sad, cold night at Luce, his son’s toy car

Almost crashing the motorcycle at the Larena bushes

Driving lessons by the Sibulan airport and Bantayan

Hibbard Hall, acacias, Steds, peach MNG spag, Luce and Claudio, Jollibee, pedicab, boxing by Doltz

Soccer net, soccer field, stars, sitting on grass till curfew, water bottle

Til-as at Luce, Chapel of the Evangel, Caladryl on my back

Sun Cellular sim and Sir Ondong’s Pride and Prejudice

Wuthering Heights, purple MNG spag, Verna, Ren, Claudine, Mark, Kit, floating cottage, dives, windy motorcycle ride, sunset, dock, strong current, night, tattoo, legs, swimming, C&L rooftop restaurant, cordon blue, extremely hungry then afterwards extremely full, first date alone, motorcycle breaking down, pedicab, goodbye at CBA gate. Best date I ever had in my entire life.